Do Not Resuscitate
by KathBell
Summary: He felt as if his life was falling apart when she signed the DNR. A more detailed backstory for Ryan. Part of my Angel Series, but can stand alone. T for sadness and illness. Ryan/OC.


**Authors note: Part of my Angel Series. This is a sad one! I was nearly in tears at one point. Please review! **

**Disclaimer: Own nothing from the show CSI: Miami. I do own any OC's used or mentioned! **

**Song: Kangaroo Cry by Blue October.**

**Angel of fear.**

**Losing my control.**

**Here it is, the day I have to go.**

She struggled to stay awake as the drugs raged through her – if it could still be called that, because she had lost all control over it months ago – body. She knew that she was going to die soon, whether it was to the illness or to some tragic accident that had nothing to do with the fat that she was already dying. Call it female intuition. Kate fiddled with the wedding ring on her finger, realising that it barely fit her any more. A look of sadness past over her face, she'd have to get Ryan to get it made smaller... Again. Ryan had called her to say that he was dropping off Sophie at school, then taking Amelia down to the station, and that he would be here before she went into surgery.

Kate was a doctor – and she was anything but an idiot. She knew that what she was about to go into was dangerous. It was unbelievably dangerous, and the chances of her being okay were dangerously low. Obviously, she had told Ryan that she would do her best to make it through.

She wasn't going to make an empty promise. Not to him, not to Amelia, not to any of her family. April and Ava were in and out of the hospital, while juggling taking are of Sophie when Ryan and Amelia couldn't, working in the FBI, and across-the-country trips when the job called for it. Johnny and Joe had called whenever they had the time. Daniel, Harry, and Tom had put a stop to their world tour and were now living a few hours away from New York (With her parents, and Grace and Ruby). She didn't know how she was going to explain this to her friends, and family, and everyone else. She was dying and she had decided that it was time to say her goodbyes.

She was scared of dying though. She didn't want too. She wanted to stay here and fight this and then shed beat it and get back to work and life would be perfect again, maybe she could adopt another kid, as the radiation and other therapies had near enough destroyed her chances of having another child naturally.

**Just sit beside me... **

"Ryan," Since when had her voice became so quiet? He looked at her with a smile as he put his things down on the chair. Kate number 2 was in her bed, sleeping, but she had drawn the curtains. Kate 2 knew what Kate was going to do that day, and had sympathetically given her some privacy. "Come here, sit here, with me. I.. I need to tell you something." He looked like he knew what she was going to say. There was that saddened look on his face. The look that said 'I know, just please, don't do this'. She was tempted to give in, but she knew, deep down, that she had to get hi to accept this. She wanted him to move on, to maybe one day, actually date another person. She made a space for him on the bed. "Please?" He offered her a small smile, before lying on the bed next to her.

Ryan turned his head to her. She looked him in the eyes and tried her best not to cry. "Ry, you know I'm gonna die soon?" His face fell.

"No you're not." She could tell he was trying to fight tears too. "You're not gonna die, you hear me? You've managed to fight this for three years. You can fight it. You have to." He pleaded. She blinked and swallowed to prepare herself.

"I'm signing a DNR, Ry." His eye widened. "I've seen what happens, after this surgery. I was the one performing the surgery, and most of the times I've done or seen it.." She sighed. "The person either died, or lived the rest of his/her life in a care home, because they've lost it. I do not want to be a vegetable, Ryan. I am not letting them put me on a ventilator... Please," Tears finally started to reach her eyes now. "Please."

**I can't let this show... **

Tears started to build up in his eyes now. "Ryan. I don't want to leave you alone, I don't want to leave you to have to take care of our daughter on your own. You deserve to have someone." He shook his head, seeing where this was going. "You have to promise me you'll move on Ryan." She was openly crying now, and he looked like he was on the verge of it. "Promise me!" She cried a little bit louder. He flinched at the desperateness in her voice, and finally spoke.

"I... I promise." A few tears had rolled down his face.

**How sick I feel to leave you so alone...  
God I'm terrified. **

"Ryan?" Amelia approached her partner, who was sitting outside of the hospital with his hands in his face. His shoulders were shaking in the cold, and he looked like he was crying. Her chief had found out that Kate was going into surgery again today (damn you Tom!) and had given her the day off. She was kind of annoyed and kind of relieved. Annoyed by the fact that she didn't have anything to do that would keep her mind off the fact that Kate was going under the knife today, as work was the only thing that did that these days. She had no social life any more, then again, she didn't have much of one any way. She was relieved by the fact that she could help Ryan. But seeing him like this, crying, openly crying, made her fears heighten. "Ryan!" She said a little bit louder, fear and worry in her voice. She sat on the wall next to him (the wall was low, very low, it was on of those walls that was around a plot of flowers.)

"She's signing a DNR." He sobbed quietly. Sympathy and sorrow spread all over her face as she pulled him into her arms.

"She'll be okay, she's survived this far."

"She made me promise to move on." Amelia was speechless.

**And you choose to break our families!  
Tell me you've used all precautions known.  
And I'll stand beside the ones who stood alone.  
How long will we have to sing until you finally bring our sons, our daughters home?  
We'll let the prayers start healing, what time's been stealing.**


End file.
